Breaking News; Sean Avery: Kind of a Jerk!!!!

God knows I follow hockey about as closely as a wolf follows a skunk walking up-wind. (Let me makes sure my analogy is right here. A wolf would follow something potentially edible like a small mammal and I would follow any major sport; however, neither the wolf nor I are going to follow hockey or skunks if they stink. Which they do. So far so good! Now if the skunk is walking up-wind at a plodding 3 miles per hour and the wind is blustering at 15 miles per hour, then that means that the wind is blowing from skunk-face back to skunk-butt and the skunk-smell is traveling at about 18 mph. If that wolf is stalking the skunk at a slightly quicker speed in order to eventually over-take it, and is currently twenty feet behind his prey, and the wind is carrying the scent right into to the wolf's face for an extra-strong douse, THEN X EQUALS 9!!!!! Suck it, 7th grade math teacher who gave me a C and suggested I had a learning disorder!)

I think I've proved my point: a wolf probably isn't going to eat a skunk. Oh, and hockey is dull. The last time I watched a Caps game was at a party. I wound up wishing I could get home to the book I'd been reading off-and-on over the past month. A book, people. I'd rather read a book then watch hockey. Strong evidence against it as a legitimate sport.

so, hockey isn't too interesting for me, but I still take a second every once-in-a-while to check up on the Caps (good guys!) and the Stars (bad guys!). Lately though, I haven't had to do very much to hear about the Stars, because Sean Avery news has been all over the web. My initial response to him calling Elisha Cuthbert his "sloppy seconds" during an interview was to murder him. Sweet Elisha is one of my favorite b-list celbs. But honestly, it's not like he's besmirching her good name. After all, her biggest talent is being able to deliver pre-scripted lines half-naked without messing up too much. See "Girl Next Door." Lately, she's been doing more of the half-naked and less of the delivering lines, anyway. See "Maxim."

Plus, I think most guys have said awful things about their ex-girlfriends at some point in their lives. Maybe we don't use something as fratty as sloppy-seconds, but I imagine we're also smarter than the average Hockey stud. Is it fair to ask athletes to excell at sports and be a decent human? They're paid for one, not the other. We wouldn't be any nicer to a player who happens to be a great person but sucks at his sport and still takes up a roster spot on our favorite squad. Still, most of us keep those ex-hating conversations between good friends, beer, and ourselves. Doing it for the world to hear is like announcing candidacy for "biggest butt hole of the year." Also, it sounds like his grapes are pretty sour about the whole thing.

What bothers me more is that recently he whipped out some super-jerkery during a game. By getting in the opponent's goalie's face and waving his stick around, he succeeded in distracting his target from blocking a goal scored by his teammate. Sean, this is your job. Your career. There's a wrong and right way to go about doing things. And that's pretty lame. The NHL wound up making a rule about banning this type of crap the next day, but your "assist" still stands.

So Sean, honestly you're not as bad the Mavericks's Josh Howard or the Cowboys's Pacman "Adam" Jones, but you still embody what I've come to expect from Dallas sports franchises -- very little in the way of class.

Quick Dallas updates in Haiku form:

The Dallas Mavericks: 11-8 (9-1 in their last ten games).
Using three guards now
Barea, you are the flea
Under my collar.

The Dallas Cowboys: 8 - 4 (4 -1 in their last five games).
Tony, I hope that
Pittsburgh breaks all of your bones
And you weep alone.

The Dallas Stars: 10 - 12 (5-4-1 in the last ten games)
Hard for me to care
Harder still for you to win.
Keep up the bad work.


-- Lemon out!

Thanks for...

...Nothing sports related. Okay, a seventeen - nothing scoring spree by the Lakers to put an end to the Mavericks's win streak. Other than that, it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm going to have to change the thesis of this blog from, "All sports teams from Dallas suck," to, "All sports teams from Dallas are morally bankrupt." Honestly, it won't be a hard transition.

But here are some things I am thankful for:

1. A family who celebrates your minor victories (beating Guitar Hero on medium, not quiting
work, etc).

2. A rabbit that isn't secretly a Bunicula.

3. A wife who pretends she's spaghetti and wouldn't leave me even if I had chair-hands.


Here's hoping all Dallas athletes have a tryptophan-inspired hangover that affects them throughout the week.

Cowboys in Frisco City!

The Cowboys play San Francisco today, and there really isn't a whole lot to be said about it. The Cowboys will win against the 21st ranked defense of the 49ers. When they do, it will because the 49ers are awful, not because the Cowboys are good. This fact will not discourage the announcers from showering praise unto Dallas's head. Their two "franchise" wide-receivers ought to have a field day with this one and someone will say, "Well, it looks like the Cowboys are finally pulling it all together. They're going to be a handful for any team in the second half of the season." Then I will throw up.

Listen, the Cowboys will either be a wildcard or just barely miss the playoffs. They won't dominate, they won't go past the second round, and they won't go on a New York Giant-esque tear during the post-season. That's because -- despite their high-powered offense -- they still don't compete in close games. What they did against the Redskins doesn't count. They didn't rise to the occasion. They sputtered and looked disinterested while the Redskins's offense simply failed to perform.

Because of their apathy, there is still a chance that the Cowboys could lose today. Here are some possible ways in which the Forty-Niners (despite being three and seven!) could steal the game:

1. Tony spends all day feeling extra confident because he heard that San Francisco's natives are extremely "Romo-friendly." Intrigued, he sneaks out before his traditional night-before-the-game bedtime story to check out a bar rumored to be particularly "Romo." What he sees does not sit well with him. Coach Phillips spends the next few hours coaxing Widdle Womo out from under the bed sheets where he's hidden himself, while trying to explain how come, "Grown men sometimes act like Mommies and Daddies too." Tired from a night of learning way too much, Tony throws 4 – 26, including two picks.

Cowboys 9, 49ers 13.

2. Jason Witten flies home three hours before the game to grab a box of Riceraroni so he can prove to everyone that, "It tastes just as good in Texas, dog-gone-it!" He misses his return flight.

Cowboys 20, 49ers 21.

3. Unfamiliar with the concept of Metaphor, Marion Barber misses the game searching for, "That crazy fog; all coming in on lil' cat feet." You can thank Carl Sandburg for the surprise upset.

Cowboys 14, 49ers 17.

4. Surprisingly inclined to share the ball (contrary to what critics might tell you), Terrell Owens and Roy Williams refuse to dive on a loose fumble on the 49ers's 12 yard line for fear of coming off like ball hogs. This happens twice.

Cowboys 7, 49ers 10.

5. Pacman Jones's reinstatement creates a palatable aura of fear in the Cowboy locker room. The feeling does not translate to a Dallas victory.

Cowboys 0, 49ers 3.

6. Charmed by the tranquil majesty of the bay-dwelling seals, DeMarcus Ware refuses to participate in the violent blood sport known as football. The rest of the Dallas defensive line follows. The group spends the rest of their days lounging in the salty spray of the crashing Pacific waves. Years from now, sailors will begin to report seeing young, obese children with flippers and whiskers swimming off the shore at night.

Cowboys 17, 49ers 100.

Other than that, your second favorite team is in for a long day.

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Well, this post was going to be about Mark Cuban getting in hot water, but I think I'll leave the title as is, seeing how my rabbit took the initiative to name it for me. Afterwards, she tried to print something out. Then she went to "help" to learn more about "zzhh111." We learned little, but the rabbit still isn't satisfied. Currently, she's searching for more information about the topic under our couch. It must have something to do with eating poops out of her own butt. Good luck with that, Duracell.

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Oh look, the rabbit walked over my keyboard again! That will neither get annoying nor make me want to stop taking her out of her cage.

Yours,
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(I held her little bunny feet over my keyboard until she typed a signature! LOL!)

Ouch.

I spent most of last night taking notes on the game with the intention of posting them, but as the game wore on, I focused more on my wife's computer's screen-saver and less on the game. Those white little stars did little to sooth me, but it helped. The game was ugly. I gave both offenses too much credit when I predicted the score. It was a mistake to make Redskins v. Cowboys the first game I watched with the intention of annotating. They weren't particularly good game notes, but it was a start. Unfortunately, I got too upset to bother. To sum it up: Dallas looked awful but the Skins looked worse.

If you want further information about Sunday night's flop, you may check out Redskins Karen's site. No doubt that she'll have some strong words for just about everyone in Burgundy and Gold.

The Mavs won too, thanks to a stand out performance by "Ze German." He played like he did two years ago when he won MVP and was playing for a juggernaut. Except last night, his team barely eked it out in overtime against a crummy team. My next post is going to be dedicated to just how far those guys have fallen.

And nothing worth mentioning happened in hockey. I'm not saying I checked NHL.com to see, I'm just saying that nothing worth mentioning happens in hockey.

Your Second Favorite Football Team: 4, 6.
Your Second Favorite Basketball Team: 7, 3
Your Second Favorite Hockey Team: Meh.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Dallas at the Redskins today. Provided the Skins win, this will easily be one of the best days of the season. It's not every day that my second favorite team is also my favorite team. It's like rooting for your best-best friend! Despite winning their first match up and being at home, the Skins are listed as a point and half underdogs. Two big reasons for this: the first is the return of boo-boo-plagued Tony Womo (apparently, he was such a brave widdle quarterback while recovering that Jerry Jones let him have breakfast for dinner last night, yum!). The second is the rumor that Redskin workhorse Clinton Portis is out for the game. Despite what the people in Vegas say, the Redskins still have a good shot at this one. Washington's packing bona fide Dallas-slayer Santana Moss. Plus, they always seem to get much more pumped for these match ups than the Cowboys. I guess when every team hates you, rivalry games don't carry much significance. I predict that both offenses will sputter early, but while the Cowboys begin having a snit-fit and self-destructing, the Redskins will keep their composure and eventually pull it out. Your Second Favorite Team: 20, Dallas: 17.

When the game kicks off, I'll be at church ignoring the sermon so that I can focus on prayer-punching the Cowboy starters in their stomachs. I'll either catch it on DVR or at whatever restaurant we go to after the service. If the good guys pull it out, I'll spend the rest of the week happily oblivious to anything else. If not, the wifey is going to have one moody man on her hands.

The Mavs will be playing tonight too. By playing, I mean, "going through the motions while Jason Kidd searches for a Delorean to take him back to a time when he wasn't awful." A year ago, we'd have no hope of a New York Knick's win, but now there's a pretty good chance that the lamest big three in the NBA will come up short. And that would just be gravy.

Oh, and this Eagles/Bengals game? It was like watching penalty kicks taken by Stephen Hawking and Professor X. Can't they both agree that neither of them are making the playoffs this year and get to resting up for next season?

My Two Favorite Teams: The Anteaters and anyone who beats the Anteater-eaters

Welcome to a forum dedicated to the support of your second favorite team -- provided your second favorite team is anyone who plays Dallas (why wouldn't it be?). This will serve as my inaugural post, of which many (at least 3!) are sure to follow. If it is unclear why anyone would spend time musing about a team that holds the two spot in the power-rankings of my heart, allow me to be your tour guide through the fiery channels of an impassioned hatred:

I was in Ocean City, Maryland not long ago. I strolled through the seaside kiosks, half browsing with friends when I came to a store that hawked t-shirts featuring various profanities. None of the shirts were more clever than simply having the word, "Poop!" emblazoned on the front (you can't beat a classic!) but some of them were funny. A football fan, I zeroed in on the sports ones – hoping to find one about my Redskins. After a quick look-see, I found one with a burgundy and gold helmet that read, "My Two Favorite Teams Are the Washington Redskins and Anyone Playing the Dallas Cowboys!" Hilarious! It was an old joke, but like I've mentioned, I'm partial to the classics. There were other rivalry shirts: Packers v. Vikings, Pats v. Chargers, Dogs v. Cats, Ants v. Anteaters, Anteaters v. Anteater-Eaters, and so on. But there were multiple variations supporting whoever opposed Big D. Finally, something America agrees on: we all hate the 'Boys! Whoot!

Poot! This vision of America does not exist, and the hazy promises of hope offered by our upcoming president will do nothing to change it. That's because lurking in every city, great or small, exists some clown who roots for Dallas. They look and talk just like you and me. Some of them even smell o.k., but beneath their placid veneer is a rabid Dallaphile ready to unleash his lunatic fandom at the mere mention of lowest 48. They scream at people casually wearing jerseys that aren't blue and silver, holler obscenities at sports radio hosts, and generally make a mockery of what it means be passionate about sports. While I've suffered through years of Redskins fandom, they've been handed unearned success and immediate gratification. They're the sports world's version of celebutaunts.

Over the past years, I've been inundated with football commentators showering the 'Boys with hyperbolic praise and refs allowing their jack-assery to go unchecked. At times my patience wore thin. I admit to even rooting for them once as a child. I asked myself if maybe they really are deserving of all the praise they get. But no! Since their freakish three-peat back in the day, they have been so consistently over-hyped that it makes my brain muscles throb.

Fortunately, Something new and wonderful is happening in the world of all major sports, and I can barely keep myself from erupting. For the first time in ages, every major sports team from Dallas kind of sucks.

So to honor this momentous occasion, I'll be bringing you updates on who is playing the role of your Numero Two-O in the following weeks. We'll celebrate every bruise on Tony Womo's widdle face, every dropped pass and sour-puss expression of Terrell Owens, and do our best to jam more powder into the bulging keg that is the Cowboys's locker room. But don't worry, we won't forget about the Dallas Sarah Palins on the hardwood or those fading Stars on ice. God bless this new age. Just thinking about the feast of awfulness Dallas is bringing to the table has set my tummy a-rumbling!

(Does Dallas have a baseball team? I bet they do, those spoiled little brats!)

Current Standings as of 11/15/08:

Your 2^nd favorite football team is: 4 and 5 (don't worry, they're degenerating fast!)

Your 2^nd favorite basketball team is: 7 and 2

Your 2^nd favorite hockey team is: 8 and 6