The Cowboys play San Francisco today, and there really isn't a whole lot to be said about it. The Cowboys will win against the 21st ranked defense of the 49ers. When they do, it will because the 49ers are awful, not because the Cowboys are good. This fact will not discourage the announcers from showering praise unto Dallas's head. Their two "franchise" wide-receivers ought to have a field day with this one and someone will say, "Well, it looks like the Cowboys are finally pulling it all together. They're going to be a handful for any team in the second half of the season." Then I will throw up.
Listen, the Cowboys will either be a wildcard or just barely miss the playoffs. They won't dominate, they won't go past the second round, and they won't go on a New York Giant-esque tear during the post-season. That's because -- despite their high-powered offense -- they still don't compete in close games. What they did against the Redskins doesn't count. They didn't rise to the occasion. They sputtered and looked disinterested while the Redskins's offense simply failed to perform.
Because of their apathy, there is still a chance that the Cowboys could lose today. Here are some possible ways in which the Forty-Niners (despite being three and seven!) could steal the game:
1. Tony spends all day feeling extra confident because he heard that San Francisco's natives are extremely "Romo-friendly." Intrigued, he sneaks out before his traditional night-before-the-game bedtime story to check out a bar rumored to be particularly "Romo." What he sees does not sit well with him. Coach Phillips spends the next few hours coaxing Widdle Womo out from under the bed sheets where he's hidden himself, while trying to explain how come, "Grown men sometimes act like Mommies and Daddies too." Tired from a night of learning way too much, Tony throws 4 – 26, including two picks.
Cowboys 9, 49ers 13.
2. Jason Witten flies home three hours before the game to grab a box of Riceraroni so he can prove to everyone that, "It tastes just as good in Texas, dog-gone-it!" He misses his return flight.
Cowboys 20, 49ers 21.
3. Unfamiliar with the concept of Metaphor, Marion Barber misses the game searching for, "That crazy fog; all coming in on lil' cat feet." You can thank Carl Sandburg for the surprise upset.
Cowboys 14, 49ers 17.
4. Surprisingly inclined to share the ball (contrary to what critics might tell you), Terrell Owens and Roy Williams refuse to dive on a loose fumble on the 49ers's 12 yard line for fear of coming off like ball hogs. This happens twice.
Cowboys 7, 49ers 10.
5. Pacman Jones's reinstatement creates a palatable aura of fear in the Cowboy locker room. The feeling does not translate to a Dallas victory.
Cowboys 0, 49ers 3.
6. Charmed by the tranquil majesty of the bay-dwelling seals, DeMarcus Ware refuses to participate in the violent blood sport known as football. The rest of the Dallas defensive line follows. The group spends the rest of their days lounging in the salty spray of the crashing Pacific waves. Years from now, sailors will begin to report seeing young, obese children with flippers and whiskers swimming off the shore at night.
Cowboys 17, 49ers 100.
Other than that, your second favorite team is in for a long day.
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