Breaking News; Sean Avery: Kind of a Jerk!!!!

God knows I follow hockey about as closely as a wolf follows a skunk walking up-wind. (Let me makes sure my analogy is right here. A wolf would follow something potentially edible like a small mammal and I would follow any major sport; however, neither the wolf nor I are going to follow hockey or skunks if they stink. Which they do. So far so good! Now if the skunk is walking up-wind at a plodding 3 miles per hour and the wind is blustering at 15 miles per hour, then that means that the wind is blowing from skunk-face back to skunk-butt and the skunk-smell is traveling at about 18 mph. If that wolf is stalking the skunk at a slightly quicker speed in order to eventually over-take it, and is currently twenty feet behind his prey, and the wind is carrying the scent right into to the wolf's face for an extra-strong douse, THEN X EQUALS 9!!!!! Suck it, 7th grade math teacher who gave me a C and suggested I had a learning disorder!)

I think I've proved my point: a wolf probably isn't going to eat a skunk. Oh, and hockey is dull. The last time I watched a Caps game was at a party. I wound up wishing I could get home to the book I'd been reading off-and-on over the past month. A book, people. I'd rather read a book then watch hockey. Strong evidence against it as a legitimate sport.

so, hockey isn't too interesting for me, but I still take a second every once-in-a-while to check up on the Caps (good guys!) and the Stars (bad guys!). Lately though, I haven't had to do very much to hear about the Stars, because Sean Avery news has been all over the web. My initial response to him calling Elisha Cuthbert his "sloppy seconds" during an interview was to murder him. Sweet Elisha is one of my favorite b-list celbs. But honestly, it's not like he's besmirching her good name. After all, her biggest talent is being able to deliver pre-scripted lines half-naked without messing up too much. See "Girl Next Door." Lately, she's been doing more of the half-naked and less of the delivering lines, anyway. See "Maxim."

Plus, I think most guys have said awful things about their ex-girlfriends at some point in their lives. Maybe we don't use something as fratty as sloppy-seconds, but I imagine we're also smarter than the average Hockey stud. Is it fair to ask athletes to excell at sports and be a decent human? They're paid for one, not the other. We wouldn't be any nicer to a player who happens to be a great person but sucks at his sport and still takes up a roster spot on our favorite squad. Still, most of us keep those ex-hating conversations between good friends, beer, and ourselves. Doing it for the world to hear is like announcing candidacy for "biggest butt hole of the year." Also, it sounds like his grapes are pretty sour about the whole thing.

What bothers me more is that recently he whipped out some super-jerkery during a game. By getting in the opponent's goalie's face and waving his stick around, he succeeded in distracting his target from blocking a goal scored by his teammate. Sean, this is your job. Your career. There's a wrong and right way to go about doing things. And that's pretty lame. The NHL wound up making a rule about banning this type of crap the next day, but your "assist" still stands.

So Sean, honestly you're not as bad the Mavericks's Josh Howard or the Cowboys's Pacman "Adam" Jones, but you still embody what I've come to expect from Dallas sports franchises -- very little in the way of class.

Quick Dallas updates in Haiku form:

The Dallas Mavericks: 11-8 (9-1 in their last ten games).
Using three guards now
Barea, you are the flea
Under my collar.

The Dallas Cowboys: 8 - 4 (4 -1 in their last five games).
Tony, I hope that
Pittsburgh breaks all of your bones
And you weep alone.

The Dallas Stars: 10 - 12 (5-4-1 in the last ten games)
Hard for me to care
Harder still for you to win.
Keep up the bad work.


-- Lemon out!